The other week I had an argument with Nathan. It just happened to be after someone saw us snuggled on the beach and said ‘aww married life’. How ironic.
Before I even had the chance to tan my bum cheeks, I stormed home ahead of him, rushed through the door, threw my shit on the floor and hopped in a blasting cold shower.
“Why would he do this”
“Doesn’t he get it”
“I don’t want to feel like this”
“Why does this always happen at the last minute”
"Things never go to plan for me"
The agitation felt like bricks in the pit of my stomach. I also felt sorry for the soap bar as I vigorously washed myself a thousand times over.
Then I had another genius idea.
“Why don’t I distract myself by scrolling at all the happy people on Instagram?” That will make me happier.
Of course, it didn’t. There’s nothing more self-loathing than comparing yourself with everyone’s happy moments and hot bodies and overseas holidays and dream jobs and awesome lives.
I pretty much wanted to bang my head into my phone after that.
Luckily I had to go to an event in twenty minutes. 'Great, I can just leave now and avoid it anyway.'
So out the door I went. But as I pulled up at the event and went to hop out my car, I still felt like a crap-burger. Not exactly the ideal scenario going into an event where I'm meant to manifest what I want in my life.
Before the evening started, I received a phone call from Nath. We spoke to each other and sorted it out in less than five minutes. Damn those chilled as a cucumber Capricorn husband's who know how to take the first adult step to solving an argument over their relentless Scorpio wife’s.
But I can’t blame my Starsign, or my husband, or Instagram, or bad luck, or my job, or lack of time, or my parents, or even my damn period.
I can't blame that dream job I didn't get in the past, that terrible relationship, that embarrassing experience, that friend who let me down or boss who was horrible to me.
Because at the end of the day, it’s entirely up to me to take responsibility for my experiences.
It didn’t need to take a whole hour of eating self-loathing bullshit brownies, to sort out a problem that wasn’t really a big deal in the first place.
Look I’m totally up for feeling all human emotions. If you’re angry at something and want to be angry for a few moments, so you should be. You should never apologise for how you feel.
But when it comes to actually dealing with it and moving forward, you are the master-gardener of your soul.
So you can choose to look after your garden one of two ways. You can convince yourself that you feed off anger. Convince yourself that it's everybody else's fault. Or the world is out to get you. Or life never runs smoothly for you.
What that garden will look like if you do the above, is basically a big fucking jungle of weeds that grow off your fears.
Or you can look after your garden like this.
Admit you got angry, but know deep down you are the only person that can fix it. Know there’s a solution for the problem. Know that it’s not attached to you. Most people don't really mean to let you down and if they did, that's their karma to deal with. Know that in a week this won’t even matter. Know that only you have the power to decide what you want to experience.
What the garden will look like then, is a big lush sunflower field. Each sunflower represents a new story you’ve created for yourself. You decide to water those sunflowers with your strength and innate ability to look after every experience that comes to you - whether it’s exciting, hard or uncomfortable.
And if you hate sunflowers, just find a new flower to visualise and stop blaming the goddamn sunflowers that have done nothing wrong to you.
So if you’re really wondering why the same recurring cluster-fucks are happening in your life, stop looking outside for answers, and ask yourself instead. Because when you take responsibility, you realise it’s only your thoughts, actions and beliefs that control everything.
What a liberating feeling that is.